Last week, an eagle-eyed Gapers Block reader reader spotted senators Dick Durbin and Roland Burris on a plane seated next to each other. Surely some hilarious airline employee brought this awkward odd couple together. The two senators, who hate each other, spoke nary a word during the flight.

Since there are scarce few other facts regarding the incident, we’re gonna totally make up our own! What follows is our imaginary narrative of the epic airline death match between Illinois’s two senators.

Round One
The epic battle for armrest supremacy

Durbin takes an early lead, laying claim to the middle armrest while Burris is still stuffing his laptop bag under the seat. But Burris gets his meaty forearms in when the burn of hemorrhoids forces Durbin to shift in his seat.
Point: Burris

Round Two
Snack Time

Burris swipes Durbin’s peanuts when he goes to the bathroom. But Durbin, always a step ahead, had spit in the bag while Burris was looking out the window.
Point: Durbin

Round Three
Turn off electronic devices

Burris calls over the flight attendant to rat on his seat mate. “He was totally texting while we were preparing for takeoff,” Burris whispers in the flight attendant’s ear. But the tables are turned she she scolds Burris instead. “No one likes a tattletale, Mr. Burris,” she says icily.
Point: Durbin

Round Four
Make sure bags safely stowed in overhead compartments

While rooting around for his iPod in the overhead compartment, Burris purposefully jams his bag back so that it causes Durbin’s coat to ball up in the corner, wrinkling it horribly.
Point: Burris

Tiebreaker Round
Baggage claim

Burris doesn’t have correct change to get a baggage cart and begins asking people if they can break a $20. However Durbin has plenty of change in his pocket, yet he says nothing.
Point: Durbin

And the victor of the Passive-Aggressive Death Match is Dick Durbin! Congrats, senator.